This week has been tough. One good thing about being a work at home entrepreneur is when life decides to throw everything into the trash, you have the ability to sit at your desk and cry. Now I know I've cried in my cubicle at my old day job before. Once when my dad called telling me that my grandpa had a heart attack and it didn't look good. (thankfully, he made it) I knew as soon as my phone rang at work it was something serious. I also remember crying a few times just because I hated the situation I was in at work. I knew I needed more, I knew I wasn't trying and I remember feeling really stuck.
This week I found out my uncle unexpectedly passed away. His name was Rich and he was my moms younger brother, the baby of the family. The moment I heard the news my throat basically fell into my stomach, all I could do was picture my two cousins and my heart immediately began to ache. All sorts of things passed before my eyes. My life as a mom, my life as a spouse, all the times I felt grumpy, everything. I thought if it were me, would I have lived my life the way I wanted.
The answer to that is mostly yes.
I've always struggled with the notion of work. I've felt that work was slavery for some. I've washed dishes at a restaurant ( because I sucked as a waitress) and remember being told it was all I was capable of. As that steaming hot water hit my soft 20 something hands I remember thinking how this hard work would build character...How it would change everything. I appreciated every moment I got with that dish washing machine. I pre-washed like a pro and loaded all the dishes into the box one by one. I remember looking at my own reflection in every glass and smiling as it went from my hands into the machine. I did everything very slow. I also savored every moment where I wasn't on the floor with patrons screaming at me for jacking something up. (Bring me more butter girl!)
I've always told myself I can't call it work, I need to create things that will get me through this life, both financially and emotionally. If you want to call work, fine, I just think I am so far separated from the notion that someone is going to pay me a measly wage to move my body ( fingers on a keyboard, hands on an espresso machine, hands counting money at a bank or store ). I want people to hand me gobs of money because I'm good at what I do, not because HR told them what my pay scale was. I don't want my worth to ever be determined like that again.
Right now I'm really grateful to have been at home when I found out about my uncle. I know it's been hard for everyone to 'get back to work' or their daily routine. None of us are sleeping well and we all wish we could have heard his laugh at least one more time. The best I can do now is make sure I'm not letting any other laughs, conversations or check-ins with those I love go by the wayside.
This week I cried at my desk, my spouse made sure to be gentle on me by helping out a little more, and my clients all seemed to wrap their arms around me. My heart still aches for my family, and I'll keep remembering to live my life to the fullest.
So ask yourself, am I really living the life I want to live? Message me below. Let's chat about it.